writings from europe ‘06
It’s 5 am, I’m lying wide awake in bed, my girlfriend is cheating on me, my best friend’s an asshole, my boss parties harder than I do, my neighbor is stalking me, my dog is crazy, and my parents won’t stop telling me they love me.
Have you ever heard “dare to dream” or “dare to be great”, yeah well this is the dare to do nothing story.
I just wanted everyone to stop telling me how great I am, or how talented my work is. I don’t want to be pompous and over confidant. I don’t feel like winning highest achievement. I don’t want to be recognized as something great or exceptional.
Why can’t people just let me be…
We all graduated college and none of us took the summer off. We all started our lives. There was no time to cork the champagne, we were busy working.
When was the last time I lived with my parents? About 4 years ago to the day. I moved out at 18 and started my own life. Would I move back in? FUCK NO! what’s the point of breaking out of jail to go back in? You spend you’re whole teenage life bitching and moaning about “getting away from my parents cause they suck!” phase and now you crawl back like a fucking elephant dragging his dick on the ground.
They just don’t understand what it is to fucking live! They go through life pretending all they see is partying, well what the fuck!
And what do they have to show for it?
A trip to Australia.
4 more years of Grad School, that daddy paid for by the way.
A sound and pleasant environment for them to “chill out” before they start the “real world”.
FUCKING PLEASE, Did Nelson Mandela “chill out” after a 4 year run as head of the flip cup alpha omega team? Fuck no, he went to jail for starting a revolution against apartheid.
What about Thomas Edison, did he get a backpacking trip through Europe after he stole all those ideas? Nope, he became a famous motherfucker without sleep!
Sorry I’m getting off topic, you wanted to hear about us, not a fucking history lesson.
So we all were going on, the grunge scene is dead and hip-hop is king. What a fucking way for a generation to die. Drowned by Cristal and platinum. Kurt is turning in his grave.
So what do you do when a trend dies? Easy, find another one! Hmmmm, whats the closest thing to us… Not Hip-hop, no not us. Punk? That died years ago with Joey Ramone’s last good blood test. Goth, to lame, makeup is just weird. Guess we’re going post-rock, the last frontier of whiney bastards and complex chords.
It’s 5:15 am and now I am just delirious… To many nights missed, I am losing track of days. It’s not keeping me right, must get out…
Shit I’m off track again, sorry therse long nights blow.
Now I am losing all track, sleep now party later, we’ll talk later…
…
Sitting listening to lo-fi underground indie post-rock comtemplating. But you don’t even know what you’re wondering about. “I saw your future in my sleep…” music is making me a sad person, but I’m listening to sad music even when I should be happy. Stoned and tired; lack of sleep is deteriorating my body. Writing pages in my book while tearing out old pages seems useless. To forget is to erase…
Vague writings cloud my vision
The sounds make you jump, the voices make you see, wailing, the singing, the yelling…
But when you try to focus on it; clouds form again, a blurred ideal of life…
Is this the end? Or just the beginning?
Time to decide, time to choose…
Nothing to write, just bullshit to speak all garbage, shit coming out with nothing to show
To feel the breeze, to feel the emptiness, I want to be full again, breathe life into me once more, push your feelings against mine, make me want more, make me want to continue, let me feel your breeze
…
I stare out the window at the sunset, wishing I was someone else. A bird perhaps, something that doesn’t feel or think the way a human does. I’ve been hurt today, I felt feel as though I was worthless, as though my life is meaningless up to now. What do I have to show my worth?
No one cares about what you’ve done so far, no one believes what you can do after now. Does it really matter though? Will it matter? History is going to be erased at one point, we see the greats but what about the people that helped the greats or followed the greats. No one gives a shit about them.
The only thing that people care about is money. How can I get my hands on it and whats the easiest quickest fastest way possible? Will I have to screw some people over, if that what it takes? How cutthroat am I going to have to be?
Fuck with money fuck with the soul, at least for most people. Why is it that money can ruin people. If you have none you want it and even if you have it all you want more. Is money truly power? Or is power just stupidity. Just the want to have what you cannot have, a real soul, happiness, love… a true worth in life. What makes a true artist?
An artist is what? Someone that is creative? Someone that suffers, feels misery, feels happiness, feels depression angst greed hate love sadness desire willfulness? These are just words, all made up to give meaning to fake emotions that are created in the human brain. Does an animal care about history? Does an animal care about the future past present?
I’m a youth raised in terror angst hate fear war fighting disbelief. Am I in navi germany facist italy communist Russia? Am I in Iran Iraq Cuba Panama Haiti Serbia Gaza Strip? No I’m in America, where the proud live, where freedom reigns, where bullshit rules all. America is certainly a treat from most places but what has it become and what is it turning into. We’re a melting pot for elected scum to ruin our lives. I am a youth growing up in a shit world with no say and no ears to listen to my message.
No one cares
No one is listening
No one understands
You’re lives are all bullshit
You’re lives are Hippocratic
You are a walking contradiction…
and no one will ever care.
do you want to change the world?
or die for the cause?
would you die for the cause?
